Deut. 22:4-8

4 You shall not see your brother’s donkey or his ox fallen down by the way, and hide yourself from them; you shall surely help him to lift them up again. 5 A woman shall not wear that which pertains to a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment; for whosoever does these things is an abomination unto the Lord your God. 6 If a bird’s nest chance to be before you in the way, in any tree or on the ground, with young ones or eggs, and the dam sitting upon the young, or upon the eggs, you shall not take the dam with the young; 7 you shall in any way let the dam go, but the young you may take for yourself; that it may be well with you, and that you may prolong your days. 8 When you build a new house, then you shalt make a parapet for thy roof,  and a fence around its courtyard that you bring not blood upon your house, if any man fall from there or if anything tries to enter.

Rashi

Gen. 22:4- your brother’s donkey- When you are running from the zombies, you should not ignore the falling animals.  If they are upright, they will provide more of a distractive impediment to the horde.  Scripture notes “your brother’s ass” and by analogy yours as well.   And hide yourself from them- By this we know that this is a case of fleeing zombies, for why else would one hide, surely not from the donkey, but from the zombies. The Scripture addresses your inclination which would be, indeed, to hide.   You shall surely help him to lift them up again- And then run.

Gen. 22:5- an abomination unto the Lord your God- Changing clothes will not save you from the zombies, they are not confused like people are.  Doing so wastes the time one has to get away and is an affront to the Lord your God who wants you to prolong your days.

Gen. 22: 6- you shall not take the dam with the young- Zombies are known to stop at bird nests.  Certain kinds become more vicious when they find them completely empty.

Gen. 22:7- you shall in any way let the dam go- Despite flying away, she will return and occupy the zombies. the young- or the eggs.  They are both good for food and to can both be used to throw the zombies off one’s scented trail.  That it may be well with you- That they will be distracted and that you may prolong your days- That you will be able to get away.

Gen. 22:8- a fence around its courtyard- According to the Sifre the parapet must be 10 handbreaths and the protective wall must be at least 3 and a half cubits high.

Gen. 33:1-20

1 Jacob lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and there were four hundred with him. So he divided the children between Leah,  Rachel, and  the two handmaids. 2 He put the handmaids and their children in front, Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph the furthest behind. 3 And he himself passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. 4 And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him; and they wept.

5 And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said: ‘Who are these with you?’ And he said: ‘The children whom God has graciously given me, your servant.’ 6 Then the handmaids came near, they and their children, and they bowed down. 7 And Leah also and her children came near, and bowed down; and after came Joseph near and Rachel, and they bowed down. 8 And he said: ‘What did you mean  by all this camp which I met?’ And he said: ‘To find favour in the sight of my lord.’ 9 And Esau said: ‘I have enough; my brother, let that which thou have be yours.’ 10 And Jacob said: ‘No, I pray thee, if now I have found favour in thy sight, then receive my presents; forasmuch as I have seen your face, as one sees the face of God, and that you were  pleased with me. 11 Take, I beg you, my gift that was brought to you; because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough.’ And he urged him, and he took it.

12 And he said: ‘Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before you.’ 13 And he said unto him: ‘My lord knows that the children are tender, and that the flocks and herds giving suck are a care to me; and if they overdrive them one day, all the flocks will die. 14 Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over beyond his servant; and I will journey on gently, according to the pace of the cattle that are before me and according to the pace of the children, until I come unto my lord unto Seir.’ 15 And Esau said: ‘Let me now leave with you some of the folk that are with me.’ And he said: ‘Why would I need it? let me find favour in the sight of my lord.’ 16 So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir. 17 And Jacob journeyed to Succot, and built him a house, and made booths for his cattle. Therefore the name of the place is called Succot.  18 And Jacob came in peace to the city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Paddan-aram; and encamped before the city. 19 And he bought the parcel of ground, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem’s father, for a hundred pieces of money. 20 And he erected there an altar, and called it El-elohe-Israel.

Rashi

Gen. 33:1- Jacob lifted up his eyes and looked- Even though he prevailed against the zombie from the night before he was fearful of what was beyond.  Behold-His first impression was not that of Esau, his brother, but of something that he did not understand.  Only as they came closer did he discern that Esau was indeed at the head of a zombie horde of 400.  Four hundred  with him- Undead.  They were under his control, their hands and legs bound by ropes.  There are many midrashim that explain this, but this is the contextual meaning.  So he divided the children- The text does not report his fear because Jacob did not have time to feel afraid.

Gen. 33:2- Joseph the furthest behind- Because he was his favorite.  There are some who say it was because he was the worst fighter.

Gen. 33:3- And he himself passed over before them- He said, if my brother and his zombies wish to fight, then they should fight me first.  bowed himself to the ground- His knees would lock from trembling and he would fall.  It appeared as if he bowed.

Gen. 33:4- embraced him-He was moved because he saw his brothers helplessness or tribute.  fell on his neck and kissed him- there are dots over the word and there is a controversy concerning this matter in the Sifre.  There are some who think that the dots mean that he did embrace him but was making a show for the zombies that he would attempt to kill or turn his brother into a zombie.  For they believed that Esau had this ability.  When they saw that his brother’s neck would not succumb to this, they would not attempt this themselves.  Others believe that this indicates that his kiss sought out a place that was not covered by his beard, kissing his neck deeply.  This was the skin of their childhood.

Gen. 33:6- and they bowed down- They had seen Jacob stumble and “bow down” and that he was safe.  Therefore, they did likewise.

Gen. 33:8- in the sight of my lord- He said this with a half closed eye, indicating that his concern was not out of fear of his brother, but for the zombies that were with him.  However (in 33:1) Jacob was surprised to see the zombies with his brother.

Gen.33:9- I have enough- zombies to get me whatever I need.

Gen. 33:10-  receive my presents- Jacob wanted extra reassurance that his brother would not loose the zombies on him.

Gen. 33:11- and because I have enough- By using the same words that his brother did, Jacob implied that the Holy One Blessed be He could help Jacob acquire as much as Esau’s zombies could.  He also meant to imply that God could overcome Esau’s army.  Esau accepted this and Jacob’s gifts.

Gen. 33:13- and if they overdrive them one day, all the flocks will die.- Leading the two families, Esau would have put the zombies between his family and Jacobs.  Therefore, it would have been very hard for Jacob to get his family and livestock to follow since they would have been afraid.  That is what is meant by “overdrive” and why Jacob believed the flocks would die because they would not have gotten to a place where there was water.

Gen. 33:14-pass over beyond his servant- and put distance between us and the sight of the zombies.  Until I come unto my lord unto Seir- Jacob hoped that by not mentioning the zombies that Esau would understand that he hoped for them to be put away when they arrived.

Gen. 33:15- folk- Esau had grown accustomed to the undead and referred to them in human terms.

Gen. 33:17-And Jacob journeyed to Succot- For despite the fact that he reassured his family that they would be safe from the zombies in Seir, they refused to go.  And when his urging became too much he settled on a place nearby.

Gen. 33:19- at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem’s father- He would suffer a calamity there because he was not able to convince his family that the Holy One Blessed be He would be able to protect them from the zombies.

Gen. 33:20- And he erected there an altar- knowing that he had failed to inspire his family’s faith, he prayed for mercy.

Rashbam

Gen. 33:1- Four hundred undead with him- Jacob could not see that they were controlled by Esau through ropes and harnesses.  Therefore he was especially afraid.

Gen. 33:2- Joseph the furthest behind- Because he was his favorite.  It is said in the aggadah that Joseph did not acquire the skills to fight because he studied with his father and when he went out to the fields, he did little of the heavy work and was only the lookout.  And this might be correct, but the suggestion that Jacob put Joseph in the rear because he could not wield a sword is not correct, for he put Leah, Bilhah and Zilpah in front of him and surely they could not fight as well as the others.  His position reflected the place he held in his father’s estimation.

Gen. 33:8- in the sight of my lord- Rashi says that Jacob spoke only a half truth here and that he was more concerned to appease the zombies than he was to appease Esau.  However, from earlier it is understood that Jacob did not know that Esau had zombies.  Only when he saw the mass behind him did he understand that Esau had them in his company.  What is correct is that Jacob wanted to appease the brother whom he had tricked for the blessing.  It is possible that he suspected that Esau might have sought company with the zombies, but this could not have been his original intention.

Gen. 33:10- forasmuch as I have seen your face, as one sees the face of God- Before this moment, Jacob had been so overwhelmed by seeing his brother and the zombies, Jacob had forgotten that he would be protected by God.   Only when his brother reminded him of what was behind him, did Jacob remember the God that would support him.   Prior to this he was afraid.

Ibn Ezra-

Gen. 33:3- bowed himself to the ground- It appeared as if he was paying homage to Esau but it could not be because Jacob acknowleged only the one who is Supreme in power and blessing.  Furthermore, he knew he would be protected, so he did not feel afraid as others have suggested.  Rather, he wanted to warm Esau to him and therefore participated in a symbol that Esau would understand.  But you should not think that he was in fact bowing to Esau.  Furthermore, Jacob did not divide the children out of fear from Esau or his horde.   He knew that he would be blessed because of what God promised.  Rather, he wanted to make sure that Esau would meet them in an order that would build to Rachel and Joseph, his favorites, and had he allowed the brothers to line up in the order that they preferred they would have likely made a mess of it.

Gen. 33:10- receive my presents- Jacob knew that his brother would not betray him, for he had already reconciled with him when he appeared before him.  Jacob implored Esau to take his gifts because he did not want his brother to resort to using the zombies to gain what he wanted.  Despite their separations for many years, Jacob still wanted his brother to live a holy lifestyle.

Mizrachi- Gen. 33:3- And he himself passed over before them- Rashi says that Jacob put himself first because he wanted to lead the family into battle if there was going to be one. Jacob already knew that he could best a zombie and even though he took on only one and had no experience battling an entire horde, he believed that he would be able to take out many of them, with God’s help, if necessary before they got to his family.



R. Yochanan said: For the verse states, “Yitro said, ‘Blessed is Hashem who rescued you from under the hand of Egypt.”  [from here we learn that one blesses God for the miracles that are done.]  On a miracle that is done for the masses, but on a miracle that is performed for an individual we do not recite a blessing.

But a certain man was once travelling through Avar Yemina and a lion fell upon him and he was saved by the lion.  He came before Rava who said to him, “whenever you arrive at that place, recite the blessing: Blessed are you who performed a miracle for me [!] in this place.

And Mar the son of Ravina was once going through the valley of Aravos and he thirsted for water.  A miracle was performed for him:  A well of water as created for him and he drank from it.  And yet another time, he was traveling through the marketplace of Mechoza when a zombie fell upon him.  The wall of  a nearby house broke apart for him and he went inside and he was able to escape the zombie.

When he would arrive at Aravos he would recite the blessing: Blessed are you… who performed a miracle for me at Aravos and with a camel.  And when he would arrive at the market place of Mechoza he would recite the blessing, “Blessed are you… who performed a miracle for me with a camel and at Aravos.”

On a miracle performed for the masses, everyone is obligated to recite the blessing.  But on a miracle peformed for an individual only he is obligated to recive the blessing.

Deut. 21:10

10 When you go to battle against your enemies and the Lord your God has delivered them into your hands and you have taken them captive  11 and you see among the captives a beautiful woman and have a desire for her to become your wife, 12 then you shall bring her home to your house and she shall shave her head, make her nails, and be as a zombie.  13  She shall don earthen clothes and shall remain in your house, wailing for a full month and only after you shall go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife.

Yevamot 48a

We have learned in a Baraita: It says, “she must make her nails.”  R. Eliezer says, “She should cut them down to stubs.”  R. Akiva says, “She must let them grow.”  What is between them?  One says that the nails of the zombie women break when they sink their fingers into flesh.   The other believes that their nails are strong and can sink even into trees without cracking.  Both agree that they should not wash their fingers for the alotted month.

We have learned in a Baraita: It says “wailing for a full month.”  Rabbi Eliezer said, “so that she sound like a zombie.” R. Akiva says “for having to seem like a zombie.”  For even the nations know of their horror.

Joseph and his Brothers

August 12, 2009

Gen. 37:1-24

1 Now Jacob was settled in the land where his father had sojourned, in the land of Canaan. 2 This is the story of Jacob: When Joseph was seventeen years old he used to watch over his brothers with the sheep helping the sons of his father’s wives Bilhah and Zilpah.  And Joseph would bring bad reports of them to his father.  3 Now Israel loved Joseph best of all his sons, for he was the child of his old age and he made him an protective tunic. 4 And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of his brothers, they hated him so that they could not speak of him in peace. 5 Once Joseph had a dream which he told to his brothers and they hated him even more. 6 He said to them “Hear this dream which I have dreamed.”  7 There we were binding sheaves in the field when suddenly my sheaf stood up and remained upright, while yours sheaves gathered around and bowed to my sheaf. 8 His brothers answered, “Do you mean to rule over us?  Is this what you mean by this parable?”  And they hated him even more for his talk about his dreams.   9 He dreamed another dream and told it to his brother, saying, “Look, I have had another dream: And this time the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars were bowing down to me.” 10 And when he told it to his father and brothers, his father rebuked him saying, “What is this dream that you have dreamed?  Are we to come, I and your mother and your brothers to bow down to the ground to you?  So his brothers were getting the best of him, and his father kept the matter in mind.

12 One time, when his brothers had gone to pasture their father’s flock at Shechem, 13 Israel said to Joseph “Your brothers are pasturing at Shechem.  Come, I will send you to them.”  He answered “I am ready.” 14 And he said to him, “Go and see how your brothers flocks are faring, and bring me back word.”  So he sent him by way of the valley of Hebron.  When he reached Shechem, 15 a man came upon him wandering in the fields.  The man asked, him “What are you looking for?”  16 He answered, “I am looking for my brothers.  Could you tell me where they are pasturing?” 17 The man said “They have gone from here, for I heard them say, let us go to Dothan.”  So Joseph followed his brothers and found them at Dothan. 18 They watched him coming from afar and before he came close to them, they conspired to kill him.  19 They said to one another, “Here comes that dreamer!  20 Come, let us kill him and throw him into one of the pits.  We can say that a zombie devoured him.  Let us see what becomes of his dreams then!  21 But when Reuven heard this plan he tried to save him from them.  He said, “Let us not take his life.”  22 And Reuven said, “Do not bloody your hands, but instead throw him into that pit in the wilderness, but do not touch him yourselves”- in order to save him and bring him back to his father.  23 So when Joseph came up to his brothers, they stripped him of his protective tunic that he was wearing.  24 and they took him and cast him in the pit, which was empty; there was no water in it.

25 They sat down to eat and when they lifted their eyes they saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead, their camels bearing spices, balsam, lotus and water on their way to Egypt.  26 Judah said to his brothers, “What will we gain if we let our brother be killed or risk him turning into a zombie.  27 come let us sell him to the Ishmalites- but let us not incur guilt for his death- for his flesh is like ours.  His brothers agreed. 28 Midianite men, trades passed by and they drew Joseph up and lifted him out of the pit and sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver and they brought Joseph to Egypt.  29  Reuven returned to the pit- and behold- Joseph was not in it!  So he rent his garments.  30 Returning to his brothers he said, “The boy is gone!  And I- where can I go?”  31 They took Josephs tunic, slaughtered it and tore it to look like teeth had seized upon it and they dipped it in blood.  32 They sent the tunic ahead and brought it to their father and said, “We found this; identify it please:  is it your son’s tunic or not?”  33 He recognized it and said, “My son’s tunic!  A zombie has devoured him!  Joseph now may be among the undead!”  34  Then Jacob rent his garnments and girded himself in sackcloth.  He mourned for his son for many days. 35 All his sons and all of his daughters arose to comfort him, but he refused to comfort himself and said, “For I will go down to the grave mourning my son.”  And his father bewailed him. 36  Now the Midianites had sold him to Egypt, to Potifar, a courtier of Pharaoh, the steward of the butchers.

Rashi

Gen. 37:1- in the land of Canaan- where the zombies were scarce.

Gen. 37:2- watch over his brothers with the sheep- He would watch for stirring dust and alert them to the presence of the undead in the distance.  Upon his word, they would round up the sheep.  And Joseph would bring- at the end of the day, usually, but sometimes immediately after they would do something bad, making the job of the brothers more difficult without a lookout.  bad reports- The brothers would occasionally set a sheep out by itself and then watch until a zombie set upon it.

Gen. 37:3- protective tunic- that was thought to ward off the undead.  Some say it was the colors that kept them away.  Others believe it was a pattern that confused their minds.

Gen. 37:4- saw that their father loved- without the coat they could not have known of his emotions.  We learn from this that love is shown through action. more than any of his brothers- as they watched individual sheep get devoured by wandering zombies, each one imagined themselves.  Each believed that Joseph would outlive them.   they hated him- they would send him off to dangerous areas they could not speak of him in peace- they continuously imagined and spoke of his untimely death.  Each told stories more gruesome than the next about zombies tearing apart his flesh.

Gen. 37:5-They hated him even more- after this dream their stories about him and the zombies became even more terrifying.

Gen. 37:7- There we were binding sheaves- Joseph became scared of being alone on look-out after watching one of the lone sheep get devoured by distant zombies.  He therefore tried to insinuate his value as a worker to his brothers, working alongside of them.  Remained upright- Joseph meant to keep working  yours sheaves gathered around and bowed to my sheaf- thankful that you could rest while I kept on with the labor.

Gen.37:8- And they hated him even more for his talk about his dreams- interpreting dreams was not their strong suit and he did not make explicit the advantageous meaning for them.   even more for his talk about his dreams- They sent him further and further away on look-out, ratcheting up the danger for him.

Gen. 37:9- the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars- By comparing them to the celestial beings, Joseph meant to flatter them. bowing- reminding them of his past dream of working in the field, he suggested that they would be thankful for his participation which would diminish their workload.

Gen. 37:10- his father- who was walking by.  He had hoped that his father would help to pursuade his brothers to allow him to work with them.  But he had forgotten that his father was not privy to the first dream when he suggested that they would all work together.

Gen. 37:12- had gone to pasture their father’s flock at Shechem- they had left him behind knowing that he would have to make the walk alone, which would terrify him.

Gen. 37:13- Come, I will send you to them- Jacob meant that he would keep watch over Joseph from the heights.   I am ready- from this we know that Joseph was afraid.

Gen. 37:14- valley – so that he could watch over him from on high.

Gen. 37:15- a man came upon him- he startled Joseph who thought he was a zombie.  There are other midrashim that explain this differently.

Gen. 37:17- Dothan- An area which could be arrived at only by passing through a canyon known to be dangerous zombie territory.

Gen. 37:18-they watched him coming from afar- they could see him with one eye and they could see the zombies mulling about with the other.

Gen. 37:22- throw him into that pit in the wilderness- he knew that watching him get devoured by a zombie would appeal to them since they enjoyed watching their animals get devoured.

Gen. 37:23- they stripped him of his protective tunic- which was required in order for the zombies to get him.

Gen. 37:24- there was no water in it- therefore he would not drown before the zombies would get to him.  The aggadic explanation is that there were snakes and scorpions hidden in the cracks.

Gen. 37:25- Ishmaelites coming from Gilead- They were those unlikely to turn.  Gilead was known to be vigillant against susceptibles. water- Of course they traveled with water, but the text points this out to emphasize the abundance with which they traveled, worrying that they were particularly susceptible to turn as Ishmaelites.

Gen. 37:27- for his flesh is like ours- the statement had two meanings.  First, even though we despise him, he is still our brother and we ought not kill him.  Second, if he turns into a zombie, he will likely sniff out our location and come after us.  Zombies have this particular familial ability.

Gen. 37:28- Midianite… sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver- The brothers initially saw the Ishmalites and it gave them the idea to sell him.  But then remembering that the Ishmalites were overly susceptible to turning, they waited for the next caravan, the Midianites, to pass through before they hoisted him out of the pit.  When another band of Ishmaelites passed by they noticed that their tribal affiliation was from Gilead and therefore agreed to sell him to them.

Gen. 37:29- He rent his garment- he did not know if Joseph was dead or undead.  From this we learn that it is the halacha to tear one’s garment for either one.

Gen. 37:30- where can I go? He was so distraught but he did not dare wander off in his grief alone, for fear that the zombies who had taken him, would get him also.

Gen. 37:35- And his father bewailed him- crying “That which I gave him did not protect him.”

Gen. 37:36- The Midianites- When the Midianites  made up their minds they ran after the Ishmaelites and purchased Joseph from them.  This is according to the Midrash.  The Gilead Ishmaelites decided it was unwise to spare the water for Joseph, knowing the risk of turning.

Rashbam-

Gen. 37:4- more than any of his brothers- the fact that he did not shows that they were lacking in prophecy.  they could not speak of him in peace- When he was at his look-out, they would detail him being pulled apart by the undead.  Sometimes they would frighten themselves so much that when he returned they would be spooked.

Gen. 37:8- And they hated him even more for his talk about his dreams- Joseph did not do well by this dream, despite his good intentions.  From this he learned that he had to be clearer about the meanings of the dreams (Ed. Note: See Gen. 40:12, Gen. 40:18)

Gen. 37:9- bowing- Perhaps he should have used a different word.

Gen. 37:11- and his father kept the matter in mind- Jacob was often so preoccupied with keeping the family safe from zombies that he did not properly settle matters in the family in a timely fashion.  (See also: Gen. 34:31)

Gen. 37:22- throw him into that pit in the wilderness- the zombies in that area were more likely to kill than to turn others into zombies with their bite.  They were not careful.

Gen. 37:23- they stripped him of his protective tunic- Rashi says that this was “required” but we know from the fact that Joseph was still scared of the zombies despite the fact that he had the tunic meant that it did not absolutely protect him.  But why did they take the tunic given that they meant to kill him and only came up with the plan to sell him later.  The brothers knew this as well and this act was meant to terrify him more than anything.  Later,  they felt fortunatel that they could use the tunic as false evidence.

Gen. 37:28- sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver- The Midrash relates that the Midianites are excessively slow in making decisions.   They had offered Joseph to them when they passed by, but knowing that they would take a long time to make a decision Naftali ran to the Ishmaelites to see what price he could get from them.  The price was sufficient and they would take him right then.  This explains why the text changes from the Ishmaelites to the Midianites and back again. (Ed. note- however, see Rashi on 37:36)

Gen. 37:30- They took Josephs tunic- Reuven  was the oldest and so they told him what they did and he participated.  Now that he could no longer save his brother, he conspired with his brothers regarding a story for his father.

Gen. 37:32- They sent the tunic ahead- why did they not bring it with them?  Because a tunic dipped in blood, they reasoned might attract thirsty zombies.

Gen. 37:35- And his father bewailed him.- Although he knew that the cloak could not protect Joseph absolutely, it is the way of fathers to blame themselves when misfortune befalls their children.

Seforno-

Gen. 37:9- the moon- that is Dinah.  Joseph was hoping that she would learn that he would even carry on some of her labor and she would advocate for him.  Jacob foils this by suggesting the interpretation that the moon is Joseph’s mother.

Gen. 37:13- I am ready- the tunic had the opposite of the desired effect.  Instead of making him feel safe, the protective measure suggested to him constantly his vulnerability.  So too is it for us in our day.

Gen. 37:23- they stripped him of his protective tunic- they planned to cut it into pieces and divy it up amonst the brothers hoping that it would offer them each a measure of protection.

Ramban-

Gen. 37:9 the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars- Joseph had initially meant to convey the sense that everyone would be grateful if he were allowed to join the workforce (him especially if he did not have to go off and spot zombies).  But as soon as he said, the sun and the moon, he realized that if he would compare his brothers to stars, perhaps they would be flattered by him and they would bring him closer where he would be safe.  Know that this is true, because how could Joseph mean that the moon would be his mother, given that she had already died?  Some say that the moon is his step mother “Leah” but if this were true what came of Bilhah and Zilpah?  We know that the text had them in mind previously (See. Gen. 37:2).  Therefore, Joseph must have been initially speaking idiomatically.  And this is the correct interpretation.

Gen. 37:13- I am ready- Joseph had heard the story of how his grandfather Isaac was taken up to the mount by his great-grand father Avraham.  He was so afraid of walking to Shechem alone that he felt as if he was in the place of his grandfather, ready to face whatever was to befall him.  This is the Midrash.  However, how could this be the case given that he had a protective tunic from his father?  The answer must be that despite the fact that he had the tunic he was still afraid, believing that the tunic assisted him, but did not insure his safety.

Gen. 37:15- a man-This was Shimon, stationed to make Joseph traverse the dangerous way to Dothan.

Gen. 37:22- throw him into that pit in the wilderness- Reuven was protecting his other brothers by creating for them the piece of mind that they would have passively killed Joseph by leaving him vulnerable to zombies.  And his intent all along was to rescue him and return him to his father.  Now Scripture says that when he told them all of this, they did not listen to him.  However, originally he told them other things that they did not accept, as he said to them later, “Did I not say to you, ‘Do not sin against the lad?’ but you wouldn’t listen.  When he saw that they would not listen to him to release him entirely, he said to them, ‘if he must die, then shed no blood with your own hands.”

Note that Reuven did not say, “Do not shed his blood”  in order to make it appear that he is not saying it because he loves Joseph and wants to save him, but rather becasue he doesn’t want their hands to be sullied.  Thus we learn that the punishment for one who sheds blood indirectly is not as great as the punishment for one who sheds blood by intent.

The meaning of the expression, ‘that pit in the wilderness’ is that it is deep and he will not be able to get out of it.  It is also in the desert and so if he cries out there would be no one to help him- no passers by.  A natural pit is different from a man-made pit because a man-made pit must have an egress for the diggers.  This is what is meant by a pit in the wilderness– one that is natural and does not have a way out.

Scripture also states that the pit was empty and did not contain water.  Had there been water in it, they would not have put him there because they did not want to drown him.  Again, wanting to avoid directly causing his death.  Furthermore, they meant to terrorize him and use his fear of zombies and this would not be achieved if they killed him immediately in the water.  The text is redundant here- since it is stated that it is empty, do we not also know that there was no water in it?  Rashi says that this means that when the brothers say that it was empty they were only referring to the water, but not to the snakes and the scorpions that were in it and which stayed away from him because of a miracle.  Had they seen the miracle that was done for him, they would have known then and there that their plot to have him killed by zombies would also not work.  We must therefore conclude that even though they only meant to speak about the water when they said that the pit was empty, they also did know nothing of the snakes and the scorpions.  The plain meaning of the redundancies is that they are there for the purpose of emphasis – highlighting the desire that he not drown or die from anything but the zombies, better to terrorize him.

Gen. 37:28- sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver- They decided to sell Joseph to the Ishmaelites because they Midianites were excess ively cheap.

Avram and His Family Flee

August 11, 2009

Gen. 12:1-6

1 The Lord said to Avram, “For your own good, get out of the land you are in!  Get out of your fathers house!  Do not stop until I say. 2 I will make you a great nation and your name great and you will be blessing. 3 I will bless those who bless you and curse him that curses you and all the families of the earth shall bless themselves by you.”

4 Avram left as God had commanded and Lot went with him.  Avram was 75 when he left Haran.  5 Avram took his wife Sarai and his brother’s son Lot, and all the wealth they had amassed, and the people they had acquired in Haran and they ran in the direction of Canaan until they reached the land of Canaan.  6 Avram passed through the land as far as the site of Shechem, at the terebinth of Moreh.  The zombies were not then widespread in the land.

Rashi

Gen. 12:1 The Lord said to Avram- God reminded Avram that he was not safe from the zombies in Haran.

Gen. 12:2 I will make you a great nation- You will survive your flight.  your name great- others will know that you survived. You will be a blessing- You will inspire others that they can survive.  God had to promise a lot in a hurry in order to make sure that Avram would leave, as a father might to a stubborn child in a crisis.

Gen. 12:3 I will bless those who bless you- Those who add themselves to you as you go will be safe.  Curse him that curses you- Those who see you fleeing and do not take your example will be consumed.  All the families of the earth- The opportunity to escape will not be limited to your family or ancestors, but anyone who follows your example.  No one is doomed from the outset.

Gen. 12:4- And Lot went with him- The rest of his family stayed behind and Avram presumed they were overrun.

Gen. 12:5- and the people they had acquired in Haran- Avram would collect the men and Sarai would collect the women.  They knew that they were safer if they stayed together.  took….his brother’s son Lot- He repositioned Lot from the back to the front and Avram made his way in and out of the entire group. and they ran in the direction of Canaan- they ran at first and then they hurried.

Gen. 12:6- as far as the site of Shechem- he felt the terrain was such that would provide natural defenses from anything that had followed them.

Abravanel- Gen. 12:4- And Lot went with him- How could it be that Avram left his father and brother in a place that he believed to be unsafe?  Despite the fact that God’s command to him was addressed to him in the singular, he could have alerted his family and especially his father who had hid him in a cave when he was born in order to hide him from the king who wanted him dead. [That is Nimrod -Ed.]  For if it is true that Avram could intuit the laws of the Torah surely he would have intuited “Honor your father and your mother.”  You might be tempted to say that his father did not merit his honor because of the earlier incident with Nimrod tying Avram to the stake.  But this is not correct, for we know that Terach repented when he saw Avram being attacked.  Rather, it must be said that Avram did go to his father and plead with him to come along, but because his father was so undone by the death of his son Haran, he could not leave the town that shared his son’s name.

Nedarim 32a

R. Abbahu said in R. Eleazar’s name:  Wht was our Father Avraham punished and his children doomed to Egyptian servitude for 210 years?  Because he made the scholars carry their own gear, as it is written, “He loaded his dedicated servants orn in his own house.” (Gen. 14:14)  Others say, “Because he left his father in Haran unprotected.” Shmuel said, “Because he went too far in testing the promises of God” as it is written “and he said, “Lord God, how shall I know that I and my children will survive in the land?”  (Gen. 15:8)  R. Yochanan said because he prevented men from entering beneath the wings of the Shechinah, as it is written [the king of Sodom said] “Give me the person and keep the goods yourself.”  (Gen. 14:21)[But Avram returned them and they were consumed- ed.]

Exodus 17:1-15

1 The whole assembly of Israel disembarked from the Wilderness of Sin to go on their journeys, according to the word of God.   They pitched their camp in Rephidim and there was no water for the people to drink.  2 The people strove with Moshe saying “Give us water that we may drink.”  And Moshe said, “Why are you striving with me?  Why are you testing God?”  3 The people were thirsty for water and they complained to Moshe “Why have you brought us up from Egypt to turn our brethren through parching and have them kill us and and our children as well?  4 Moshe cried out to God saying, “What shall I do for these people, a bit more and they will either stone me or kill me by those who turn?”  5 God said to Moshe “Pass before the people and take some of the elders of Israel, in your hand take your staff with which you struck the river, and go.  6 Behold-  I will stand with you by the rock at Horeb; you shall strike the rock and water will come forth from it and the people will drink.  Moshe did so in the sight of the elders of Israel.  7 He called the place Massah U’Merivah, because of the contention of the Children of Israel from their worry that God would let them turn or be consumed.

8 Amalek came and battled Israel in Rephidim.  9 Moshe said to Joshua “Choose people for us and go do battle with Amalek; tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hand.  10 Joshua did as Moshe said to him, to do battle with Amalek and Moshe, Aaron and Hur ascended to the top of the hill.  11 It happened that when Moshe pointed his staff, Israel prevailed, and when he lowered his staff Amalek prevailed.  12 Moshe’s hands grew heavy, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on this side and one on that side, and he remained with his hands aloft until sunset.  13  Joshua weakened the Amalakite zombies with the swords blade.

14 God said to Moshe, “Write this as a rememberance in the Book and recite it in the ears of Joshua, that I shall surely erase the memory of Amalek from under the heavens.  15 Moshe built an altar and called its name “God is my Miracle”  16 and he said, “For the hand is on the throne of God: God maintains a war against Amalek from generation to generation.”

Rashi

Ex. 17:1 Journeys- Once again, they were supposed to spread out, but their fear made them reconsider and stay as one in Rephidim.  No water for them to drink- And there was fear that the susecptible amongst them would start their turn.

Ex.17:2- strove with Moshe- They were upset that he did risked their safety by not providing them with water.  that we may drink- this shows that there were a number of reasons to desire water, besides for its ability to stave off turns.  Why are you testing God? – Moshe relied on the people to defend the camp from infiltrators.  He expected them to kill those whom they suspected or turn them away, rather than to leave it to God to provide for them.

(Ed. note: There is  reason to believe that the latter part of this note “He expected them to kill those…” is a corruption.  For it seems hard to believe that Rashi believed that Moshe would want the people to kill the half zombies.  Furthermore the comment of the Rashbam on Ex. 17:5 leads us to believe that Rashi’s interpretation against “Thou Shalt Not Kill” applies to half zombies, i.e. if the elders were not allowed to  eradicate half-zombies (even those elders who could see through their translucent skin) how could the people be expected and allowed to do so?  However, the comment “He expected them to kill those… is so well-known and in so many manuscripts that we have decided to include the comment and attach our doubts parenthetically.)

Ex. 17:3- turn our brethren- into zombies. and have them kill us- they believed the zombies would not exhibit familiarity or loyalty once they fully turned.  The Tanchuma relates that this was said by those who did not fully trust Moshe and believed that he did not have their best interest in mind.  It would be those who instigated in the incident of the golden calf.

Ex. 17:4- what shall I do for these people- both those who were going to turn and those who needed water.  He did not know where to find it.  kill me by those who turn- The Midrash says that Moshe believed that the people would direct their zombie brethren in his direction.  He felt a double threat posed by the double need for water (ed.- to stave off death by dehydration for those who did not have the zombie “genes” and to prevent those who had the zombie genes from turning and setting upon the camp.)

Ex. 17:5- take some of the elders of Israel- especially those who could see the graying muscles of the zombies through their transluscent skin.  Some say: the decendents of Sarah.

Ex. 17:7- Massah u’Merivah- The double name reflects the fact that Moshe did not trust the people and the people did not trust Moshe.

Ex. 17:8- Amalek came and battled Israel at Rephidim. These two sections are placed next to each other to teach us that the Amalekites were once also human beings but had fully turned to zombies when they were unable to find water and did not beseech God to help them.  The Amalakites were a band of zombies, who exhibited the characteristic of walking very slowly and running very fast.  When part of their horde slows to a pace like the sunset, another part of the horde will have sped up to dash like a falling tree.

Ex. 17:9- I will stand on top of the hill- Better to see the zombies.  With the staff of God in my hand- To point the direction which the fastest groups of zombies are coming, allowing Joshua to move his forces.

Ex. 17:11- Israel prevailed, and when he lowered his staff Amalek prevailed- Moshe was correct, his strategy was successful, but because the staff was heavy and he was old it was hard for him to keep the staff aloft.

Ex.17:12- And Aaron and Hur supported his hands- which held the staff.

Ex. 17:15- God is my miracle- He was thankful that God provided water for him and the Israelites, rather than having them turn out like the Amalakite zombies.

Rashbam

Ex. 17:1- Journeys- They were supposed to have spread out in small enough groups to be mobile, but in large enough groups to be safe.

Ex. 17:5- take some of the elders of Israel- Rashi says that this was because some of them had the power to detect those who might turn into zombies, but this is not correct.  For what use would this be to Moshe?  What could have done to these half-zombies had he detected them, given that they were not fully turned?  Furthermore,  Scripture states that he performed the miracle of hitting the rock to draw forth water which God instructed him to do “in the sight of the elders (Ex. 17:6).”  We must interpret that he took the elders for protection against any zombies who had already turned for lack of water.  Moshe doing so “in the sight of the elders” meant that he had them surrounding him.  For at the moment that water gushed forward, those who had begun to turn rushed to the spring and began to consume the water.  Any being that went after the water was deemed part of “the people.” (Ex. 17:6).   Beings that went after Moshe instead did so because they no longer had use for water and were thus killed by the protecting elders.

Ex. 17:14- Write this as a rememberance in the Book and recite it in the ears of Joshua, that I shall surely erase the memory of Amalek from under the heavens- There are some who say that vicious things occurred at the battle of Amalek from the side of the Israelites, things that Joshua would rather forget.  Therefore, Moshe recorded the battle with omissions and changes and recited this version to Joshua over and over, until he forgot what he did, beleiving Moshe’s version against his own, upon God’s command.

Ex. 17:15- God is my miracle- It is strange for Moshe to use the singular here.  He does so because he felt particularly vulnerable against the people that this could have been the end of him as well as the zombification of the Israelites.

Ramban-

Ex. 17:12- And Aaron and Hur supported his hands- Should you ask,  “Were they not able to support his hands when he was standing up, rather than sitting on the rock?” you should know that Moshe was very tall.  If they wanted, they could have stood on the rock to assist him, but either they did not think of this or the rock was unstable for standing.  Furthermore, it would have been difficult for both Aaron and Hur to stand on the same rock.

Ex. 17:15- God maintains a  war against Amalek from generation to generation- It is said that Amalek and his zombies attacked the weakest and this is true, coming upon them with great speed after they looked to have been stopped.  This is why God commands the Israelites to be particularly vigilant against the Amalakites, for by their nature they use deception, playing dead when they are readying an attack.  It is because of this that the Israelites are enjoined to utterly destroy them and to not forget their vicious ways.

Gen. 21: 9-21

9 Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had borne to Avraham cackling. 10 She said unto Abraham: ‘Cast out this bondwoman and her son; for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son- with Isaac.’ 11 And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight on account of his son.

12 And God said unto Abraham: ‘Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of your bondwoman; in all that Sarah says unto thee, listen unto her voice; for through Isaac your seed will be caused.

13 And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is your seed.’

14 And Abraham arose up early in the morning, and took bread and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away; and she departed, and strayed in the wilderness of Beer-sheba.

15 And in the evening the water in the bottle was finished, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs and waited. 16 And she went, and sat her down across from him a good way off, the distance of  a bow-shot; for she said: ‘Let me not look upon the undeath of the child.’ And she sat across from him, and lifted up her voice, and wept.

17 And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her: ‘What possesses you , Hagar? Fear not; for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. 18 Arise, lift up the lad, and grasp him by your hand and run; for I will make him a great nation.’ 19 And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.  When night fell they spent the night inside of it.

20 And God was with the lad, and he grew; and he dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer. 21 And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran; and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.

Rashi

Gen. 21:9 Sarah saw- She had the ability to see the gray muscles underneath the skin of those who could be zombies.  This is the Midrashic meaning of the text.  But the contextual meaning is that she saw Ishmael in the field laughing maniacally.

Gen. 21:10- Shall not be heir- Sarah believed that Ishmael would eventually turn into a zombie, but she did not know why.  Because of this, she knew that he would not be able to take care of the land and the people in their household when Avraham died.

Gen. 21: 11 And the thing- She reported to Avraham what she saw and heard.  On account of his son- He was unaware of his son’s nature and worried deeply about his chances for survival, not being a zombie, but also unsure of his human status.

Gen. 21:12- Avraham thought to himself, perhaps Sarah hid her purposes.  God replied, “Let it not be grievous in thy sight [it's] because of the lad” Avraham wondered if Ishmael had zombie blood because of him.  God replied, “because of your bondwoman.”

Gen. 21:13- because he is your seed Despite the fact that Ishmael ‘s future was uncertain, God promised to care for his offspring.

Gen. 21:14- bottle of water-The Midrash relates that Avraham believed that the sound that Ishmael made that Sarah heard was because he lacked the water that half-zombies needed to prevent their turning.  So acceding to Sarah by sending them off, he sent them off with water and in the direction of a known well. strayed in the wilderness of Be’ersheva- because she strayed from the path of the well, she feared that her son would soon turn into a zombie.

Gen. 21:15- And waited- for him to turn into a zombie.  There are some who say for the other zombies to come.

Gen. 21:16- a good way off, the distance of a bow-shot- she was familiar with the story of Terach and Avraham and sat herself at the distance she imagined his father.  Across from him- at first she was at a distance of a bow shot, but then decided to do what she could to prevent the zombies from coming.  lifted up her voice- to ward off the zombies.

Gen. 21:17- the voice of the lad- not the hissing gasp of his throat.  where he is- at that time he was not a zombie.  God looked upon him favorably.  We learn from this that God does not look at what we might become but what we are at the moment of supplication.

Gen. 21:18- and run- she was shown a path to escape the incoming horde.

Gen. 21:19- and God opened her eyes- she had been running with them shut.  gave the lad drink- preventing is changing.  inside of it- the well.

Gen. 21:20- became an archer- an effective profession for long range fighting.

Gen. 21:21- a wife out of  the land of Egypt- as such, one who was skilled at finding water.

Rashbam

Gen. 21:9 Sarah saw- There are some who say that Sarah saw Ishmael in the field with Isaac putting him in danger and while this would be possible given his nature, Isaac was nowhere in the field.  Rashi says that she saw him laughing, which is correct, but you should notice that this is strange for how does one see laughter without a miracle(compare Ex. 20:19- ed.)?  Rather,  she heard him laughing in an inhuman manner and because of this she paid attention and saw the graying flesh beneath his translucent skin undulate with his heaving.

Gen. 21:10 Shall not be heir- She did not say “I do not want him to be heir” but rather stated it as a matter of course.  She wanted him away so that Isaac would not have to care for him, a zombie, an impossible situation.

Gen. 21:16- Rashi ignores her primary concern was not that other zombies were coming, but rather that her son would become a zombie himself.  Her decision to sit over against him not a bow-shot away was a mother’s love for her son.

Gen. 21:19- And God opened her eyes- to remind her that escaping the zombies was only the first of her problems, the second was to prevent her son from turning.

Gen. 21:20- he became an archer- Ishmael was influenced by the tale of his mother feeling unable to help and forced to put herself in danger, having been so far away and without ability.

Mizrachi-

across from him- Rashi is commenting on the second “across from him” without the “distance of a bow-shot.”  The first “across from him” is not mean to imply close proximity which is known because she was “at a good distance” but rather that her thoughts of him were so immediate that despite being a “bow-shot” away it was as if she was right next to him.

Gen. 11:27-32

27 Now these are the chronicles of Terach: Terach begot Avram, Nahor and Haran. Haran begot Lot. 28 Haran died in front of his father, in his native land, in Ur Kasdim. 29 And Avram and Nahor took themselves wives; the name of Avram’s wife was Sarai, and the name of Nahor’s wife was Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah and the father of Iscah. 30 And Sarai was barren, she had no child. 31 Terach took his son Avram, and Lot, his grandson, the son of Haran, and his daughter in law Sarai, the wife of Avram his son, and they departed with them from Ur Kasdim to go to the land of Canaan; they arrived in Haran and they settled there. 32 The days of Terach were two hundred and five years, and Terach died in Haran.

Rashi

Gen. 11:28 died in front of his father- this means that he predeceased his father. Although midrashically, it refers to an incident where he dies in his father’s sight. (See Ed. Note)

Gen. 11:29- And Avram and Nahor took themselves wives- No mention of Haran’s wife is made, but she should be thought of as important as the mother of Milcah and Iscah, that is Sarah. Iscah- from the root “sachah“- to gaze. She had the ability to gaze at the skin of those whose ancestors had been infected by the zombies, seeing their gray muscle tone. Sarai could then sense who were susceptible to the reckless behavior which would often lead to encouters with the zombies and their being fully infected.

Gen. 11:30- She had no child- the double mention of her childlessness is meant to imply that even if she were not barren, she would not have chosen to bring a child into the world so full of zombies.

Gen. 11:31- Canaan- Where they had heard that the zombies were less ferocious.  They arrived in Haran- In Terach’s mind, far enough away from what had happened before.

Ramban-

Gen. 11:31 They arrived in Haran- One cannot ignore the fact that the name of the town in which Terach settled was the same as the name of his deceased son. The reason that he stayed here was not because it reminded him of the grief that he never expressed and paralyzed him as some have suggested. Rather, it was because he was a deeply superstitious man and when they arrived in Haran, in addition to the practice of not moving from the same name twice, the astrological signs in the sky told him that he should be like a bull who sleeps.

Mizrachi- Gen. 11:29- RECKLESS BEHAVIOR- those whose ancestors had passed to them zombie spirits would often be seen walking in the night time and mumbling at the sky.

Ed. note: Gen. 11:28- died in front of his father- According to legend, Terach was an manufacturer of amulets meant to keep away the zombies who lived in the caves around Ur Kasdim. Avram, Terach’s son , believed that these trinkets were insignificant, likely to do more harm than good– delaying flight or the taking up of a proper weapon.

One day, in a fit of rage for his father’s complicity in the deaths of some townspeople who had relied on the amulets to assist them, Avram smashed all of his fathers amulets with an axe to showing, he believed, which was superior.

Not knowing what to do with his rebellious son, Terach complained to Nimrod, the local ruler, who had Avram tied to a stake at the outskirts of the city nearest the caves. He set oil-lamps around the stake so that people would be able to see Avram’s fate. Nimrod used the fear people had of the zombies to get them to pledge fealty to him, who could protect them. If the people understood the greater efficacy of axes over amulets, the value of his services would be diminished.

Despite Terach’s pleading, Nimrod left Avram bound outside without amulets. When he begged Nimrod to let him assist his son, Nimrod bound him to a stone outside of the house- an arrows distance from Avram. Haran, Avram’s brother, could not decide whether to support his brother Avram or to side with Nimrod. He believed that Nimrod would advance at the last second to save his brother, but he also believed that Avram had to learn his lesson– destroying the family property and that which secured for them a livelihood. He decided to join whomever triumphed and his gathered this would be Nimrod and his army.

As night fell the towspeople watched from their houses as the zombies advanced on Avram. As they got closer, a miracle occured and Avram was able to push the stake out from the ground, undo his hands, and use the enormous stake as a weapon against the zombies. He also managed to knock over the oil lamps causing fire to spread around the village, setting some of the palm frond roofs ablaze, including the roof on the house from which Nimrod and Haran watched Avram.

Nimrod and his accompanying soliders fled. Haran caught fire and stumbled out near Avram, who was still fighting off the zombies with his stake. Avram unable to see that it was his brother who was on fire knocked him with the stake and he stumbled into the horde and was bitten.

In the chaos that followed, Avram’s servants- before held aside by the legions of Nimrod– took up weapons against the zombies. From a distance, Terach could see his son Haran begin to seize up and become a zombie, but before his transformation was complete he fell to the ground and died from his burns- tumbling just in front of his father, dying in front of him.

Avram rushed to Terach and untied him. Avram managed to get his father to safety. The midrash mentions nothing about the whereabouts of Nahor. One version of the midrash suggests that Lot was held back by his father from helping his uncle, Avram. Another version relates that Lot had tried against his father’s wishes to help, but was held back by Nimrod’s soldiers until they fled. Then he took up arms with Avram’s servants. Those surprised by Avram’s warrior ways, need only look to Gen. 14 for confirmation that he was a man of strength as well as a man of faith and reason.

Jeremiah 12:1-3

1 You are just, O Lord, so let me speak with you about your judgment.   Why does the way of the undead prosper?  Why do they appear gleeful in their treachery?

2 You have planted them, yes! and now they have taken root.  They grow and they swarm, no longer hung fruit.

3 But you Lord know me!  You have seen me and brought my heart to you.  Pull them out like sheep for the slaughter.  Prepare them for the day of massacre!

Gen. 3:1-19

1 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. 2 And he said unto the woman, Yea, has God said, You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

3 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of all the trees of the garden:

4 But of that which hangs from the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God hath said, you shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest you die.

5 And the serpent said unto the woman, you shall not surely die.

6 For God  knows that on the day you eat from it, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as gods, knowing evil and good.

7 And when the woman saw that which hung from the tree was good for food, and that her eyes did crave it, and that she could consume the source of wisdom (a), she took of it, and did eat, 8 and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

9 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they saw their naked flesh begin to rot.

10 And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

11 And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, (b) What are you?

12 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I am undead; and I hid myself.

13 And he said, Who told you that you were undead? Have thou eaten from the tree, that which I commanded you that thou should not eat?

14 And the man screamed, The woman whom you have made to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I… did… eat!

15 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that you have done? 16 And the woman yelled, The serpent tricked me, and I… did… eat!

17 And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is coming to be as one of us, knowing evil and good: and now, if he puts forth his hand, and take also of the Tree of Life, and eat, he will live undead forever:

18 Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from the garden of Eden, to crave and walk the earth.

19 He drove out the zombies out; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way of the tree of life.

Rashi

Gen. 3:1 Now the serpent was more cunning- Heb. Arum- naked.  The serpent possessed knowledge acquired without the sanction of God. “Naked” because it is acquired without interference.  Every other beast’s understanding is given from the Holy One Blessed Be God.

Gen. 3:2
You shall not eat of every tree- The serpent entered into conversation with the woman in order to confuse her, knowing that there were corpses hanging from the tree, he allowed her room to say “we may not eat of the fruit…”

Gen. 3:4 hangs – The instruction referred to both the fruit and to the bodies that hung from the tree, forbidden to the man and woman.

Gen. 3:4 lest you die- God said to the man and woman that they would die, knowing that they would not understand the undead state of being.  They had experienced the birth and death of the animals in the garden, however, and would understand the undesirable state of death.

Gen. 3:5 You shall not surely die- He knew that the consumption of brains would turn them undead, not dead.

Gen. 3:6 on the day you eat from it- The transformation to become a zombie begins immediately.  Your eyes shall be opened- The skin of the eyes begins to recede and the balls engorge.  Knowing evil and good- the man and woman already knew good from their experience with light, the trees, the fish, etc.  However the snake knew that if he only said “evil” the man and the woman would be afraid of it and not eat from the tree.

Gen. 3:7
that which hung from the tree- She saw the corpses with their open skulls. Brains fell out like gourds.  Good for food- unlike other gourds, these were edible.  Her eyes did crave it- the dried blood encased the brains, preserving their freshness, but tinting them the color of figs.

Gen. 3:8 with her- Also attracted by the tree, he was there by her side.

Gen. 3:11 What are you- doing?

Gen. 3:12 Who told you that you were undead?-  Their transformation had not yet been complete and so God was unaware of what had happened.  God thought that they had been tricked into believing that they were zombies.  The second half of the verse reveals God waking up to the truth.

Gen. 3:17 and now, if he puts forth his hand, and take also of the Tree of Life- Prior to becoming zombies and knowing evil, the man and the woman did not desire to eat of the Tree of Life.  Only once they became undead and no longer alive did the Tree of Life capture of their attention.  However, God knew that their eating of the tree would not return them to their original state, but cause them to be unstoppable zombies.

Rashbam

Gen. 3:5 Ye shall not surely die- Rashi alludes to the fact that the man and the woman would not be able to understand the state of undeadness and that is why the Holy One Blessed Be God chose to forbid them from eating of the tree which was in the middle of the garden with a threat of death.  His reasoning derives from the fact that prior to the man and the woman, no zombies had yet been formed.  However, you must wonder how it was that the serpent knew that they would become zombies if no other zombies had been formed prior to the change in the man and the woman?  The answer is that the corpses on the tree from which the man and the woman ate brains had been God’s prior attempts at creating human beings.  These unsuccessful beings who were not fully brought into life neither ever achieved full undeadness.  They walked the earth only for moments, but then expired like a chicken without a head and were promptly lifted to the tree as a record God’s past attempts.  The snake had observed these attempts without God’s approval.

Gen. 3:6 Your eyes shall be opened- The serpent erred and informed the woman of the ocular wide condition of being a zombie. Surely the woman was not going about with closed eyes.  It was because of this that he added “You shall be as gods” so as to distract her from his mistake.  If you believe that the serpent delivered to the woman a metaphor for wisdom, you should dedicate yourself to learning, for how could a woman who could not distinguish between fruit and brains understand metaphor.  You shall be as gods, knowing evil and good-  It was not the state of knowing evil and good that would make the zombies be as gods.  Rather he knew that once in the state of zombieness they would wander towards the tree of life, which he had seen the others do before falling to the ground.  This is what it means in vs. 17 “behold the man is coming to be as one of us” he was headed towards the tree of life.

Gen. 3:6 Knowing evil and good- What Rashi says here lacks sense.  Above he suggested that the man and the woman would be confused if God had told them eating from the tree in the middle of the garden would make them undead because they had not experienced undeadness yet.  However, here, he says they would be afraid of “evil” even though they had not experienced “bad.”  Rather, it must be understood this way:  The serpent did not only say “evil” because the statement would have caused confusion and they would have beseeched  God for clarification.  By adding “and Good” the woman assumed that “evil” was a synonym of good as in “holy and true” rather than “black and white.”

Gen. 3:12 What are you….And I hid myself- The man had thought that God had interrupted himself, meaning to ask, “What are you doing?” but in fact, God had not anticipated the man and the woman becoming Zombies and was therefore asking in truth, “What are you?”

Ramban-

Gen. 3:11 What are you?  Rashi’s interpretation is correct, for God saw that the man and the woman were rooting about in the ground in search of cool mud with which to relieve their skin, and their knees had begun to lock so they stumbled as they walked.

Editors Commentary-

(a)    that she could consume the source of wisdom- it is likely that this is a later gloss.  For how could the first woman know that the brain was the organ responsible for wisdom acquisition.  Furthermore, the length of the verse suggests a later addition.
(b)    Heb. “Ayehka” In other biblical additions, this has been translated as “where are you?” but we have chosen the translation “what are you?” both from the sense of the rabbinic commentary and other ancient Near Eastern linguistic parallels that suggest ayeka could have originated as either as ma-itha (similar to our colloquial “what’s with you”), the t lost as the orthography accommodated clarification, or the more likely mah’cha, i.e. “What yours?” i.e “What do you have that causes this behavior?” leading to our preference “What are you?”  The phraseology of “And God called to Adam and said to him” is awkward- “What did God call?”  What need is there for the “and said to him?” It should read “And God called to Adam mah-cha” the doubling of the m had been lost and then its original existence obscured by the later addition of “And God called to the man and said to him” added to make the unknown “aykea” appear intentional.

R. Yehudah said in the name of Rav: Prior to creating Man, God first created a legion of half-life men, practicing for his master work. He asked them, “Should I create Man, who will be the complete version of all of you?” They responded. “What will he do?” God said, “This and that.” They scoffed, “Then what is this Man that you would think to make him and be mindful of him?” At this, God stretched out his finger and consumed them with fire. With a second group of these half-lifes, God did the same thing. When a third group was asked the same question they said, “Master of the Universe, what good did it do for our former brothers to question you? The whole world is Yours, do whatever you must.” God scooped up these half-life men and impaled them on a fruit-bearing tree in the middle of the garden of Eden– along with the singed corpses of the other zombies. When the generation of the flood arose, most men having turned into Zombies, the half-life men still impaled upon the tree smiled, thinking- “Did we not speak justly that there would be no need for them? As they have become like us.”

Gen. 2:15  The Lord God took the man and placed him in the garden of Eden, to till it and tend it.  And the Lord God commanded the man saying, “Of every tree of the garden you are free to eat; but as for the tree of knowledge of evil and good, you must not eat from it; for as soon as you eat of it, you shall die.”

Psalm 44:22-27

It is for your sake that we are killed all night long?

That we are thought of by them as sheep to be feasted upon?

Awake!  Why do you sleep O’ Lord?

Arise!  Do not reject us forever!

Why do you hide your face

and ignore our distress and our cires?

We lie quivering in the dust,

our bodies cling to the ground, as if it can bring safety.

Arise and help us, redeem us, as our faith in you deserves.

Gen. 11:1-11

1 Everyone on earth had the same language and the same things compelled them. 2 They migrated from the east and came up on a valley in the land of Shinar and settled there.  3 They said one to another, “Come let us make bricks and burn them hard.” Brick served them as stone and bitumen as mortar.  4 And they said, “Come let us build a walled-city and a tower with its top in the sky as a look out, lest we will all be overrun and consumed.”5 The Lord came down to look at the city and the tower that man had build 6 and the Lord said “If as one people with one language for all, this is how they can act, they will surely be able to withstand the zombie invasions.” 7 But as the people looked back from whence they came, the Zombies swarmed in from the west, howling and moaning their indecipherable speech.  8 And the people were unable to finish the city and the tower 9 and it was overrun and the inhabitants were chiefly consumed.  10 That is why it was called Babel, because there the people heard the wailing moans through the gurgling tongues of the zombie horde for the first time.  11 The survivors scattered over the face of the earth.

Rashi

Gen. 11:1 and the same things compelled them- to protect themselves from the zombies that they had seen in the East.

Gen. 11:2- valley- the better to see anything approaching.

Gen. 11:3 bricks- Past attempts to protect themselves with other materials had failed.  Only something solid, they learned would save them from the powerful arms and penetrating teeth of the zombies.

Gen. 11:4 walled city- It was not sufficient for them to each build their homes with bricks, but rather they desired a multilayered defense against any invasion.  However, even the partially consturcted wall would also keep those who would flee from escaping. A tower, with its top in the sky- This was so that they would be able to see any zombie invaders coming. lest- This refers to both the wall and the tower.

Gen. 11:6 surely be able to withstand- God believed that the materials he created could protect the people from the zombies.  When they were overrun, it was because of this that God did not intervene.

Gen. 11:7- Looked back from whence they came- Like Lot’s wife, the people were unable to conceive of that which stood outside of their experience.  It was this that caused their downfall.  Had they faced what they had not seen before as well as the past, they may have been prepared.

Gen. 11:9 overrun- the zombies stormed into the half-made city and fed upon the people chiefly consumed- those that were turned into zombies by the zombie bite turned on their neighbor.  Very few survived.

Rashbam-

Gen. 11:4- A tower with its top in the sky- to see the zombie invaders coming and to attract other humans to the fortified city.

Gen. 11:6 surely be able to withstand- It is true what Rashi says that this explains why God was absent from their defense, believing that which he put on this earth was sufficient to ward them off.  He also believed that because of their ability to coordinate with one language the construction of the city that they would also be able to coordinate a defense– being able to deliver orders and plans efficiently.  This reflects the idea that at this point God did not know the entire capability of the zombies.  For had God been correct, the humans of Babel would still be alive.

Ramban

Gen. 11:1- And the same things compelled them- safety from the zombies and acquiring knowledge of how to kill them (ed. The Ramban is commenting on the plural of devarim achadim.)

Gen. 11:6- It was about these words: “At this point God did not know the entire capability of the zombies” – that our sages have written “Woe is the man who believes his head is whole” for how could one live believing that God “did not know” the nature of one of his creations, albeit an insufficient one.  Surely this explanation is incorrect and a more available explanation should have been sought.  For God was correct that the brick and the tower would have been sufficient to stop the zombie advance; however, we know that the errors were not in the materials that God created, but rather in the conduct of the humans.  First, we know (from vs. 7) that the zombies took the humans by surprise.  They had thought that the zombies would be coming from the direction from which they had came- i.e. from the east.  However, the text informs us that they came from the other direction. Secondly, we know from verse 8, that the humans had not been able to finish the city!  This means that there must have been holes in the fortifying wall.  God had assumed that the humans would be able to set out to do what they had intended.  It could not be that God does not know the nature and strength of one of his creations.

Abravanel-

Gen. 11:6- The Ramban in his commentary on the Rashbam cites two reasons that God did not intervene for the people, believing as Rashi did that God had faith in the materials that he provided for the humans.  The first reason was that he believed that the people would see them coming, but because they were facing east instead of west, they were caught unaware.  The second thing that he cites is that the people did not finish the city.  So it was not that God was wrong about the people’s ability and that error prevented him from coming to the rescue, but their own fallibility.   The comment of the Ramban is both correct and “a door stuck ajar.” He is correct that the city was left unfinished and that allowed the zombies to enter into the city.  Surely, believeing that the zombies would enter from the east caused them to begin their preparations in the east, leaving the west (the direction from which they came) exposed.  However, we are left with the question- If the sound of the zombies was that which named the place, the wailing moans through the gurgling tongues- then how could it be that the people would not hear them and turn to look in that direction?  The answer must be that they did hear the zombies coming, but by that time it would have been too late.  Neither the height of the tower, nor their ability to coordinate a defense would have stopped the slaughter.

If two neighbors own common property and decided to make a wall in a courtyard, they build the wall in the middle.  Whatever materials with which it is the local custom to build, they must build it.  The neighbors must each pay for the materials to build the wall and yield equal space to make the wall from what will become their private property.  Therefore if the wall collapsed, either from wear, stampede- animal, or zombie– the space and the stones belong to both of them.

If two neighbors own common property and decide to make a wall around a courtyard to prevent, animal or zombies from entering, they must build it with whatever material will best withstand that areas zombies from entering.  If one neighbor shows more concern for animals than for zombies, he is not to be heeded.  Some say, he should be suspected.  The smooth side of the stones, if hewn stones are used, should face out.  If the wall were to collapse, by being overrun, if only one remains alive, he may claim the stones.  If both remain alive, they should abandon the stones and build homes elsewhere.

According to a colleague at Yale, in 2003, when coalition forces went into Bagdhad, a few soldiers (one of whom has a brother who teaches at the University) went into the National Library of Iraq and were able to spirit out some manuscripts of the Babylonian Talmud, among other things.  They took what they could and then when the guard was set up outside the library, they continued to take photographs of the archives.  Until recently, the end of this gemara from Yevamot 62b was considered corrupted.

It was said that R. Akiba had twelve thousand pairs of disciples, from Gabbatha to Antipatris; and all of them died at the same time because they did not watch out for each other. The world remained desolate until R. Akiba came to our Masters in the South and taught the Torah to them. These were R. Meir, R. Judah, R. Jose, R. Simeon and R. Eleazar b. Shammua; and it was they who revived the Torah at that time. A Tanna taught: All of them died between Passover and Pentecost. R. Hama b. Abba or, it might be said, R. Hiyya b. Abin said: All of them died a cruel death. What was it? — R. Nahman replied: Zombies.

Sodom and Gemorrah

May 11, 2009

Gen. 19: 1-28

1 And the two angels came to Sodom at evening; and Lot was hurrying back to his house from the gate of Sodom; and Lot saw them, and ran  to meet them; and he fell down on his face to the earth; 2 and he said: ‘Behold now, my lords, turn aside, I pray you, into your servant’s house, and stay all night and you will rise up as early as you can, and go on your way.’ And they said: ‘Nay; but we will stay in the square of the city all night.’ 3 And he urged them greatly; and so they followed him, and entered into his house; and he made them  unleavened bread, and they did eat with haste and put out the fire.

4 But before they lay down, the Zombies around the city and the half-men of Sodom, surrounded the house, both young and old, all of them from every quarter. 5 And they called unto Lot, and yelled to him: ‘Where are the men that came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may consume them.’ 6 And Lot went to the door and went outside between it and them. 7 And he said, ‘I pray you,  do not so wickedly as is your nature.  Let us be. 8 Please, I have two daughters ‘ 9 And Zombies said: ‘Brains.’ And the half-men said: ‘We have allowed this full-man to live amonst us, to serve us during the day, but now at night he stands between us and food!  And after we will deal worse with you and your daughters, than with them.’ And they pressed sore upon the door, and upon Lot, and it began to splinter.   10 But the angels put forth their hand, and brought Lot  back into the house to them, and the door they shut. 11 And they smote the Zombies who were there and the half-men that were at the door of the house they smote with blindness, both small and great; so that they wearied themselves to find the door.

12 And the men said unto Lot: ‘Hast thou here any besides? son-in-law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whomsoever thou hast in the city; bring them out of the place; 13 for we will destroy this place, because the howl of the Zombies is waxed great before the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.’ 14 And Lot went out, and spoke unto his sons-in-law, who married his daughters, and said: ‘Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy the city.’ But he seemed unto his sons-in-law as one that jested. And they said Nothing worse can happen here.

15 And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying: ‘Arise, take your wife, and your two daughters that are here; lest thou be swept away in the iniquity of the city.’ 16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him. And they brought him forth, and set him without the city. 17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said: ‘Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the Plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be swept away.’ 18 And Lot said unto them: ‘Oh, not so, my lord; 19 behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and you have magnified your mercy, which you have shown unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain,  the Zombies will overtake me there, and I will die. 20 Behold now, there is a city near to flee to, and it is a little one; oh, let me escape there–is it not a little city?–and my soul shall live.’ 21 And he said unto him: ‘See, I have accepted you concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow the city of which thou hast spoken. 22 Hurry, escape there; for I cannot do any thing until you go there.’

23 The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot came unto Zoar. 24 Then the LORD caused to rain upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;  25 and He overthrow those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground. 26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. 27 And Abraham got up early in the morning to the place where he had stood before the LORD. 28 And he looked out toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the Plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the land went up as the smoke of a furnace.

Cain and Abel

April 24, 2009

Gen. 4:1-10

1 And the man had known Eve his wife; and she had conceived and bore Cain, and said: ‘I have gotten a man with the help of the LORD.’ 2 And again she bore his brother Abel. And Abel spent his days with sheep, and Cain was a tiller of the ground.  3 And it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD. 4 And Abel also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof, discarded from that which he did not consume.   The LORD accepted Abel’s offering 5 but unto Cain and to his offering He had no respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.  6 And the LORD said unto Cain: ‘Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?
8 And it came to pass, when they were in the field Cain saw– and could not speak.  He rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. 9 And the LORD said unto Cain: ‘Where is Abel thy brother?‘ And he said: ‘I know not;  Am I my brother’s keeper? I came upon him in the field and he was not my brother, but a monster. ‘ 10 And the LORD said: ‘What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother’s cold blood crieth unto Me from the ground.  And he said: ‘That was not my brother.’

(Prior to the discovery of the Zombie texts, commentaries with oddities so outside of ordinary emendations and errors were discarded as wanton corruptions. With the discovery of a base text on which to orient them, these commentaries fall into place and warrant attention.  It is unclear whether the commentators below also had “Zombie texts” or if they had other texts on which they were commenting, assuming an Ur Zombie text existed.)

This text (below) is the corresponding text to the fragment above, taken from a manuscript of commentary found in the 1600s in a small church in the countryside outside of Troyes, France.  The legend, recorded in church records referred to as early as 1130, was that it was written by Rashi or in the school of Rashi (1040-1102).  Local Jews in the 1600s assumed that the text was an antisemitic document made by French peasantry to present the Jews as beleiving in Zombies.  The verse numbers and reference notes are added by this author and no not appear in the church manuscript.

Gen. 4:1 man had known Eve his wife- prior to turning into a Zombie. A man- Eve had been nervous that her son would be born a zombie.  She was therefore grateful to see her Cain born with human features, “a man.”
Gen. 4: 2 she bore his brother Abel- no mention of “a man” as is stated in the birth of Cain, his brother.  Abel, conceived after their turning into zombies, resembled them but did not fully exhibit their characteristics until later.
Gen. 4:2 with sheep- Some believe that because Eve worried that her next son would turn out not like Abel, as a man, but like her husband, now a Zombie, that she mated with a wolf.  Cain acquired his sheep herding skills from it becoming half-Zombie, half- wolf.
Gen. 4:3 and it came to pass- “And it came to pass” implies that he did so without prompting, intuiting this on his own from the goodness of his heart.  We can infer from this that Adam and Eve hid from their sons not wanting them to know they were Zombies.  (Proof of this is their conspicuous absence from this chapter -ed.)
Gen. 4:4 also- Scripture states “also” to tell us that Abel was following the example of his brother.  One of the hallmarks of Zombies is their ability to imitate human ways.
Gen. 4:5 And Cain was very wroth- According to the Midrash, Cain had begun to perceive differences in his brother, although he did not fully understand that his brother was undead.  Only after seeing him eat the flesh of the sheep and his own left hand, did Cain begin to wonder about him.   When the Lord accepted Abel’s offering and not Cain’s, Cain was wroth that in order to find favor in the eyes of God, he too would have to behave this way.  This was before the giving of the commandments (N.B.)
Gen. 4:8 Cain saw- Something so horrible that it left him speechless and with no choice but to kill that which he saw.  There are Aggadic intepretations on this matter, but this is the plain meaning of the verse.
Gen. 4:9 Where is thy brother, Abel? Still clinging to the hope that Abel would manifest as a man, he wished that the being Cain slew was not Abel. Am I my brother’s keeper?   He was not willing to accept that the creature he saw in the field was his brother.  Therefore, he reminded God that only God could tell what became of him.
Gen. 4:10 The voice of thy brother’s  cold blood crieth unto Me from the ground- a shriek like a woman’s cry sounds when Zombie blood seeps into the earth.  Some believe it is the earth crying.  Others believe that it is the undead life force emitting a last gasp.

2 Samuel 11:1-27

1 And it came to pass, at the return of the year, at the time when kings go out to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they battled the Zombies, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried in Jerusalem.

2 And it came to pass at eventide, that David arose from his bed, and walked upon the roof of the his house; and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. 3 And David sent and inquired after the woman. And one said: ‘Is not this Bath-sheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ 4 And David sent messengers, and they took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness; and she returned unto her house. 5 And the woman conceived; and she sent and told David, and said: ‘I am with child.’ 6 And David sent to Joab: ‘Send me Uriah the Hittite.’

7 And when Uriah was come unto him, David asked of him how Joab was, and how the living fared, and how the war against the Zombies prospered. 8 And David then said to Uriah: ‘Go down to your house, and wash your feet.’ 9 But Uriah slept at the door of the king’s house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house. 10 And when they had told David, saying: ‘Uriah went not down unto his house’, David said unto Uriah: ‘Have you not come from a Zombie battle? Why did you not go down unto thy house?’ 11 And Uriah said unto David: ‘The servants of my lord, are encamped in the open field; shall I then go into my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? As thou livest, and as thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.’ 12 And David said to Uriah: ‘Tarry here to-day also, and to-morrow I will let thee depart.’ So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.

14 And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah. 15 And he wrote in the letter, saying: ‘Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest of the Zombie battle, and retreat you from him, that he may be bitten, and die.’ 16 And it came to pass, when Joab kept watch upon the city, that he assigned Uriah unto the place where he knew the undead were fiercest. 17 And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab; and there fell some of the living, even of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.

18 Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the Zombie war; 20 And the messenger said unto David: ‘The walking dead prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we they were upon us even unto the entrance of the gate. 21 And the Zombies bit at thy servants; and some of the king’s servants are undead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is undead also.’ 22 And David was silent.

25 Then David said unto the messenger: ‘Thus shalt thou say unto Joab: Let not this thing displease thee, for the tooth devoureth in one manner or another; make thy battle more strong against the Zombies, and overthrow them; and encourage thou him.’ 26 And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was undead, she made lamentation for her husband. 27 And when the mourning was past, David sent and took her home to his house, and she became his wife, and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

Ex. 14:5-31

5 And it was told the king of the Zombies that the people were fled; and the heart of Pharaoh and of his servants was turned towards the people, and they said: ‘What is this we have done, that we have let Israel go without eating them? 6 And he made ready his undead army with him.

9 And the Zombies shuffled after them, all the undead horses and chariots of Pharaoh, and his undead horsemen, and his walking dead army, and overtook them encamping by the sea, beside Pi-hahiroth, in front of Baal-zephon. 10 And when Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Zombies were shuffling after them; and they were sore afraid; and the children of Israel cried out unto the LORD. 11 And they said unto Moses: ‘Because there were Zombies in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness? 12 Is not this the word that we spoke unto thee in Egypt, saying: Let us alone, that we may be bitten by Zombies? For it were better for us to be turned into the living dead? 13 And Moses said unto the people: ‘Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will work for you to-day; for whereas ye have seen the walking dead to-day, ye shall see them again no more for ever.

15 And the LORD said unto Moses: 16 “And lift thou up thy rod, and stretch out thy hand over the sea, and divide it; and the children of Israel shall go into the midst of the sea on dry ground. 17 And I, behold, I will soften the hearts of the Zombies, and they shall go in after them; 21 And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all the night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. 22 And the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground; and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left. 23 And the Zombies slowly pursued, and went in after them into the midst of the sea, all Pharaoh’s corpses, his chariots, and his undead horsemen. 24 And it came to pass in the morning watch, that the LORD looked forth upon the host of the Egyptians through the pillar of fire and of cloud, and discomfited the host of the Egyptians. 25 And He took off their chariot wheels, and made them to drive heavily; so that the Zombies said: ‘Brains.’

26 And the LORD said unto Moses: ‘Stretch out thy hand over the sea, that the waters may come back upon the living dead. 27 And Moses stretched forth his hand over the sea, and the sea returned to its strength when the morning appeared; and the Zombies fled against it; and the LORD overthrew the undead in the midst of the sea. 28 And the waters returned, and covered the living corpses, even all the host of Pharaoh that went in after them into the sea; there remained not so much as one of them. 29 But the children of Israel walked upon dry land in the midst of the sea; and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left.

30 Thus the LORD delivered Israel that day out of the teeth of the Zombies; and Israel saw the Zombies re-dead upon the sea-shore. 31 And Israel saw the great work which the LORD did upon the living dead.

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